I never wanted to have this conversation with my 13-year-old, but sadly, I had to have it tonight.
See, the conversations about life, sex, body issues, boys, and all the other shit that you need to do as a father of daughters, well they’re all tough. But a conversation about what to do if you face an active shooter at your school, well, there is no manual or template for that.
I’m sure that my girls have seen me cry. I try my best not to do it in front of them, I blame that on my crazy eastern European genetics, but it’s been very difficult to hide these past few days.
I’m at the bus stop with her every day before school and yes, 5:30 in the morning is not a fun hour to wake up, it’s even doubly hard for 7th grade girls. We’re out the door by 6am and waiting for the bus listening to NPR.
Our local news media has been doing nothing but constantly covering the tragedy in Parkland, FL. And this morning, I couldn’t help it. As we were waiting, a few tears started streaming down my cheeks in the dark as we sat waiting. She never saw me wipe my face. I hugged her a bit too long and she fussed as she climbed on the bus and I quietly prayed.
I don’t hide the fact that I’m a horribly failed Greek Catholic. I struggle mightily with my faith and wonder if the Almighty every does hear my silent intentions. I don’t know, but I still try, maybe that is the true definition of faith?
Tonight, at dinner, when my wife and other daughter were away from the table I asked KitKat if she knows what to do? Does she know how to run away? To hide? To survive?
She looked at me and said quietly “Yes Dad, I do”.
I’m not relieved, not convinced, and still so very worried. Nothing prepares you for that line of questioning. There are no words to describe it, it just hurts.
It hurts to see the coverage, hurts to have the talk, hurts to see her jump on the bus, and hurts to have faith.
We must never forget.
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I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a child in school. Did you know they make bulletproof backpacks now? That’s a terrifying thought, that school shootings are so pervasive they have created a market for bulletproof backpacks. The worst thing that they warned me about in high school was not to cheat off your neighbor! My heart goes out to the parents who have children in school whenever a shooting is reported. We must never forget.